I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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