This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
