Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
