I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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