I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
