Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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