got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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