I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
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