Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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