I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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