Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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