You can't special order awesome
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
