Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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