when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
