K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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