Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
