Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
