Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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