R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I am one with the molecules
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
