Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
