Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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