i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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