saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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