i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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