I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Randomize
