remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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