i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
