apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
