she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You are a booty call, not a friend.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
