How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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