I bet he comes in French.
My cat gives me a boner
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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