we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
