Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
