It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
