Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
