So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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