Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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