But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
