All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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