I don't usually arrange sex via text message
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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