Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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