if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
