I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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