You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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