Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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