I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
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