he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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