i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
