Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
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