Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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