im six kinds of drunk right now
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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