I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
