Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
