Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
