Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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