John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
