Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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