plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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